A Little Revenge

December 7, 2008

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!”. By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Ma’am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.” And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I’m not really HIV Positive, but that little shit must’ve gotten in a fuckheap of trouble.

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Baby Funeral Shenanigans

November 25, 2008

So today I was walking to work when I saw a funeral in progress at the cemetery. Since I was already wearing a suit (required for my job) and I was pretty early for work, I decided to pop in to see what was going on. I walked up the marble path, up to a rather large memorial service (about 250-300 people) for what appeared to be a baby that had died shortly after birth. The family really went all out, the tombstone was massive and the coffin had gold embroidering, really nice. The people looked about what you would expect, all dressed up, mothers were crying, and even a few fathers couldn’t hold back their tears.

Well about 15 minutes in, after the opening hymn, people started to filter up to the microphone to express their condolences to the family. The grandfather said some words about how everything is a blessing even if it doesn’t seem like it, the brother of the father reassured the family that, if they ever needed anything, that the family was there for them.

Then a man walked up, about in his late 40’s, and said “Although I don’t really know the family, or the deceased that well, I want to say, I’m sorry for your loss. I too have lost a child.” He walked from the mic, over to the families, shook their hand and walked away.

He didn’t know the family? So, it seemed ANYONE could say something at the funeral.

I straighted my tie, put on my most sorrowful expression, and walked towards the front. I approached the man holding the microphone and, in my most solemn tone, asked if I might say a few words. The man smiled warmly and handed me the microphone, completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

I turned to face the crowd, all intently looking at me with the most melancholy and tearful eyes you’ve ever seen. I cleared my throat and said my piece:

“What’s the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I DON’T FUCK A SANDWICH BEFORE I EAT IT!”

The crowd was horrified. The sound manager tried to unplug the speakers before I could finish my joke, but to no avail; he didn’t react fast enough and couldn’t get himself together before the punchline rang through the cemetery.

The crowd went fucking batshit. The reaction started with sheer shock and horror, and ended in a blind rage, with everyone, even some of the WWII veterans and grandmothers in the crowd, trying to tackle me to the ground.

With that said i started running as fast as i can, I was much faster than everyone there to my surprise. Good thing too, God knows what would have happened if they caught me. Probably have thrown me into the grave with their failure of a living baby. I had to run around for a bit, but I eventually made my way to the exit. I’ve never had so many lulz in my entire life.

What did you do today ?

First, you must spread a thick layer of peanut butter onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the peanut butter on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread peanut butter on one side. Spreading peanut butter on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. Next, you must spread a thick layer of jelly onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the jelly on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread jelly on one side. Spreading jelly on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. You cannot spread jelly onto the same slice of bread onto which you have spread peanut butter. Also, you cannot spread peanut butter or jelly onto more than one slice of bread, as this will provide an undesired excess of either ingredient. Additionally, only peanut butter and jelly can be spread onto these slices of bread; no other ingredient will suffice, and no substitute can be used in a sandwich that is to be legitimately recognized as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Likewise, only bread may be the substance upon which the peanut butter and jelly are spread, as anything else does not fit the standards of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; if the peanut butter and jelly are spread onto a culinary medium that isn’t bread, the meal at hand simply is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once you have accomplished spreading a thin layer of peanut butter onto the white of one side of one slice of bread, and likewise has been accomplished using grape jelly on a separate slice of bread, you must match the slices of bread up to each other, forming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In this scenario, the peanut butter-covered face of bread must be facing the jelly-covered face of the second slice of bread so that the peanut butter surface touched the surface of the jelly. The surface of the peanut butter is not allowed to touch a jelly-less substance of bread, resulting in the jelly facing outwards, and likewise applies to the jelly. If a substance is found facing on the outside of the sandwich, the product will not be accepted as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The side with peanut butter and the side with jelly on it must match up and stick together to form one solid sandwich. When the eater picks up the sandwich, he or she must hold both pieces of bread at the same time, or else one slice will fall off, and eating only one slice of bread will not be recognized as the same or even similar to eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Next, you must take a bite of the sandwich. This action will consist of moving the sandwich within such a close proximity of your face that a small “bite” of the sandwich will enter your mouth for you to mash up with your teeth. This bite must be a bite that includes both slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly. Make sure that all obstructions are clear from the mouth and esophagus, not including peanut butter, jelly or bread or any combination of said ingredients. If you have followed all previous steps, this goal will be easily accomplished. Not doing so will create an incorrect and inferior dining experience and thus will not be a peanut and butter sandwich that is being eaten. However, if one successfully gets both peanut butter and jelly in one bite that fits in the mouth and does not result in choking, the dining experience is thus far acceptable. For your complete experience with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to be considered complete and unobjectable, you must perform the previously mentioned series of taking bites of the sandwich, chewing them, and swallowing them repeatedly until the entire sandwich has been removed visible existence. These circumstances may only be reached by eating the entire sandwich, and no parts of the sandwich may be thrown away or given to somebody else. This is your sandwich, and your responsibility. For the Dining experience to be completed, the sandwich must be completely digested. In the context of completing the process of consuming a legitimate peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are no extenuating circumstances. Actions such as vomiting, surgical removal of the sandwich from the body, or placement of the sandwich inside the lungs opposed to the esophagus will not be taken into account, as they do not result in the complete digestion of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The process must come to a close via rectal excrement of feces that have been provided by the digestion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once the peanut butter and jelly sandwich-fueled feces have exited the rectum, they must remain free from the rectum to be considered conclusive in the process of physically processing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If the feces re-enters the rectum, the process will be rendered a failure, and must be started again.

American idiots

November 25, 2008

I am sick of tired of americans everywhere. Specially politically speaking. I mean, you guys avoid doing any actual thinking! You just seat on your high political standpoints and call all those that dont agree with you “Liberal” or “Conservative”. Now, your economy is getting fucked up and all you can do is point fingers to blame your opposing party, or inmigrants, or just everyone that isnt you.

Why are you so lazy? Why dont you get up from your McDonalds fat ass and do something for yourselves? Starting with some thinking.

And for godsakes, dont be so freaking easy to manipulate! The stupid Irak war for example. The whole country got played on like a drum, and you even elected dumbass bush a second time. After proving his olympic grade incompetence for four years.

What good did the war serve? Other than screwing you economy that is.

Go Obama!

Se face pentru Erika

November 18, 2008

Cabral poate … si el e negru. Tu ce o sa faci? Stai acasa sau vii la ceva frumos pentru ceva nobil?

Pentru cine se intreaba ce are mai exact Erika, uite aici o explicatie amanuntita. Ai nevoie de mai multa motivatie?

We need phone, we fill phone, with numbers, with people, close people, people we might want sometimes … never, people we have a crush on, people we forget so we remove from contacts. Send message, we check for message, we check for message, we recive message, we smile, we accidentally press send. Funny information, rude information, intimate information, we check outbox OH NO … oh well. We listen to voicemail, we make calls , we decline calls, we regret,we put phone to sleep, we sleep on it. We take pictures: embarrassing, private, not to be deleted, never to be shared or very public. We get seen by many, hardly any, we film, we flirt, we fail, we press play, we listen to music … phone rings, we talk, we scream,we weep, we giggle, we’re lost for words so we never call back, we shoulda call back, why don’t we call back? I should have called back … We call back at 5 AM, we forget, we lose phone, we don’t know what to do, we worry, we think…

If you found my phone, would you go through it?

Delicious Pancakes

November 11, 2008

So this girl invited me over to her house early one morning. She said she need help with math, and offered to make me breakfast for all my trouble. I figured hell free food and time with a OK looking girl why the hell not. So I get up around 5am to get at her house around 6. It was kinda hard finding the place because it was sorta tucked in back of this big forest. I get to her house and ring the door bell, only half awake. She answers the door in a very small tank top and short shorts. “Oh, hay you made it, come on in.” She said looking tired as well. I couldn’t help but wonder why she would want me to come some early if she wasn’t used to the hour ether? “Sorry about the mess and the time, this is about the only time everyone else is out of the house and I wanted to be alone with you.”

“Alone but why, I thought you needed help on math.” I said then felt instantly stupid. She smiled sweetly and offered me a seat at the table. “I have a big family, and they tend to be very nosy we wouldn’t have gotten anything done had they been here.” I nodded and sat down in doing so I got a very nice look at her ass which was actually very nice. “Do you like?” She asked me and I thought I had been caught, “Wait what?” I asked trying to keep my cool. “Do you like pancakes? I’m told I make some of the best, I even add different kinds of fruit to them. Also, I have some bacon and eggs going as well. Shouldn’t be much longer.” I nodded and she walked back into the kitchen, as the door opened I smelled the most wonderful smell ever.

I couldn’t help but follow her in the the kitchen where I saw some of the best looking pancakes I had ever seen ever. I couldn’t help but smile a big smile as I wondered what they would taste like. “I’m almost done, do you want orange juice or apple juice?” She asked me I told her apple and she poured me some from a chicken shaped kettle on the counter. I took it and drank it happily it was had the right amount of sweetness. “Why don’t you go and take a seat, we can get started after we eat.” I did as she said and sat down at my seat at the table.

Minutes later she appears with a bunch of big plates of food and sets them on the table. Then begins to dish out food for me putting over 9000 light and fluffy, blueberry filled pancakes on the plate in front of me, and some bacon and eggs on a separate plate. “There you go if you want more when your done with that just ask.” She then started to get some food of her own and I put syrup on my pancakes and took a big bite. It was the best thing I had ever tasted, ever. I hadn’t even realized it but I was making a horrible face despite how awesome they were. “Oh, is something wrong?” She asked me sounding really concerned for me, she got up and started rubbing my back. “No it’s just usually, I only have Reese’s for breakfast.” To which she screamed. “Candy, for breakfast?” “No.” I replied. “Reese’s puff cereal, it’s candy for breakfast!”